Colluding with an abuser

Posted on October 21, 2014 by marykaymoody

I notice when I bring up domestic violence (DV), things go v-e-r-y quiet.

Yeah, I get that it’s an uncomfortable topic. We wouldn’t want to pry into people’s private business. Or insult a friend by revealing we suspect she’s being abused.

That’s sad—because DV is usually a family secret, and victims don’t talk about it either. When the abuse finally becomes evident, someone often asks the victim why she never asked for help, never left. “I would have helped. Why didn’t you ever tell me?” The answer in one form or another is: “You never asked.”

If victims won’t bring it up, and they’re never asked—How is help to arrive? Somebody has to be the first to speak the words. To ask a question. To offer an observation. To hold out hope. There are lives that need saving.

I guarantee, even if your friend doesn’t acknowledge the abuse to you when you discuss it, you will have planted a seed and alerted her to the fact she is not alone. Someone else cares. The abuse is not her fault. Life isn’t hopeless.

DV victims tend to be hyper-vigilant. They are watching. It’s a survival skill. So when one hears someone who seems to comprehend DV, she will know that when she’s ready, there is a safe person to talk with.

So please, as October ends, don’t collude with the abuser and his coerced veil of silence. Get prepared. Plant a seed or two. Help families see fall as a time they can enjoy nature’s changing colors—and not hide the changing color of bruises.

I wonder why DV Awareness Month is October, but it seems apt. The colors of changing leaves—purple, green fading to yellow to brown—match the colors of bruising.

I promise you, I don’t beat the drum about DV every day. I won’t be posting on it every week. But come October, I feel an obligation to share information.

As you read this, does a friend come to mind? Perhaps she’s the one who needs to know a friend understands.

And thanks for reading this.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Posted on October 1, 2014 by marykaymoody

Did you know ~~

~ that Domestic Violence (DV) involves a pattern, a predictable pattern, of coercive control?

~that extricating oneself from it is not easy?

~ that many women experience their first physical assault during pregnancy?

~ that when trying to leave an abusive relationship, victims are at great risk of being murdered?

~ that pets in DV homes have a shortened life expectancy?

One of the saddest stories I heard from a clergyman about DV was a pastor who noticed one Sunday after church that a man walking to his car was treating his wife in a manner the clergy considered inconsiderate and perhaps rough. But he was busy, had parishioners waiting to talk, and didn’t want to embarrass the couple, so he decided to let it go. A couple months later, that man killed his wife and then himself.

That clergyman missed one of the few opportunities to intervene.

He regrets his choice and being ignorant of DV warning signs. You see—IF you see something in public like that, the abusive person has gone way beyond typical restraints and the victim is in serious danger.

So if you answered “YES” to the questions above, great. If not, maybe check out some resources and get prepared. If 1 in every 4 women has experienced DV as some research indicates, chances are you know one.

Some resources:

UNITED STATES

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224

http://www.thehotline.org/

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

http://www.ncadv.org/

The Ripple Effect – A public health education, research & advocacy organization with fact sheets and slide shows.

http://www.the-ripple-effect.info/

CANADA

Assaulted Women’s Helpline – 154 languages

1.866.863.0511 or TTY 416.364.8762

http://www.awhl.org/

Colluding With the Enemy

Posted on October 31, 2013 by marykaymoody

I notice when I bring up the topic of domestic violence (DV), things go v-e-r-y quiet.

Yeah, I get that it’s an uncomfortable topic. We wouldn’t want to pry into people’s private business. Or insult a friend by revealing we suspect she’s being abused.

So please, as October ends, don’t collude with the abuser and his coerced veil of silence. Get prepared and plant a seed or two. Help families see fall as a time they can enjoy nature’s changing colors—and not hide the changing color of bruises.

I wonder why DV Awareness Month is October, but it seems apt. The colors of changing leaves—purple, green fading to yellow to brown—match the colors of bruising.

I promise you, I don’t beat the drum about DV every day. I won’t be posting on it every week. But come October, I feel an obligation to share information. As you read this, does a friend come to mind? Perhaps she’s the one who needs to know a friend understands.

And thanks for reading this.

Protecting the Children

Posted on October 26, 2013 by marykaymoody

Kids are impacted by spousal domestic violence (DV) in their home. Monumentally so. Yet most parents say they’ve hidden the violence from the children. Many often believe it. But studies and experience show the opposite. Children often hear abuse late at night. They sense the tension. Notice bruises. Even infants are deeply affected. And some abusers purposely assault and/or demean a woman in front of the children.

Many problematic behaviors in children (crying jags, clinginess, tantrums, sleep problems) are triggered by things beyond DV. But a few related to DV you might not think of are:

Children believing they caused the abuse

Thinking they cannot escape being violent, it’s in their blood

Refusing to go to school/faking illness

Drug/alcohol use/abuse

Running away

Suicide attempts

Children often put themselves in danger by stepping into the violence attempting to stop it. Youngsters in DV households are at much greater risk of being abused themselves. Even pet in these homes have a shortened life span.

My space here isn’t sufficient for all the explanations of how and why. And the impact of spousal abuse on a child will vary depending upon his developmental stage. But all kids try to make sense of their surroundings. If you think about it—how they do that is amazing. We adults would have great challenges and make myriad errors if we were dumped into a foreign land, knew nothing of their language and customs, and had to intuit everything. We’d make many wrong assumptions. And kids do. (See the DOVE page for an excellent story of just such a funny error one adult made.)

Sadly, often the parents are so embroiled in the DV cycle that they don’t see the impact on the children. Is this not good reason for all of us to:

be informed?

learn to safely address our concerns with the adults?

identify resources for families impacted?

Support local shelters/service providers who assist victims & children?

Links to information and resources are in the Oct. 15 post “October Surprise.” A few of the many helpful books (with links to see them at Amazon) are:

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: What Every Pastor Needs to Know, Al Miles

Contains helpful information on domestic violence: identifying, responding, safety. It’s a good read for anyone, not just clergy.

WINNING YOUR WIFE BACK BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE, Dr. Gary Smalley

While this sounds like a “how-to” manual for men, it excels at showing what a healthy relationship should look like—a fact many in DV families no longer remember.

THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, Patricia Evans

Many think DV is only about physical abuse. It isn’t. And victims often describe the verbal abuse as more deeply wounding. ALL types take their toll, but do not minimize verbal abuse.

October Surprise …

Posted on October 15, 2013 by marykaymoody

You might think you’ve no need to pay attention to October being Domestic Violence (DV) Awareness Month—but I have a few surprises. For instance, did you know that:

Many women experience their first physical assault during pregnancy?

That when trying to leave an abusive relationship, victims are at great risk of being murdered?

If you observe a man abusing a woman, even an act as minor as roughly grasping her hand or arm, she is at great risk of severe injury or death? (DV is typically kept secret. When it is perpetrated in public, the abuser has crossed an inhibiting line.)

Marital/couples therapy is NOT recommended? (As long as abuse is occurring and coercive control being exercised, conjoint therapy is not effective because the victim cannot be honest. Marital therapy typically looks at sharing the responsibility for problems. DV is behavior the abuser chooses, not one of shared responsibility.)

Pets in DV homes have a shortened life expectancy?

Your cell phone can easily be turned into a microphone that an abuser can listen in to any time your phone has a battery? Or be used as a tracking device? (You will not know if/when that is done. A forensic investigator said it can take him over 100 hours to detect.)

Doctors who ask women (in private) if they’re being abused are stunned to learn how many are? When they ask why the women never told them, they hear: “You never asked me.”

Church-going women are no less likely to become DV victims, as much as church hierarchy would like to think their church is immune?

Victims and their children, to be best helped, need the services of a DV professional, typically their services are FREE through DV agencies. General counselors and therapists often have insufficient experience with DV to help the clients address safety issues.

The need for specialized DV knowledge was clearly demonstrated when I spoke with a man whose sister was killed by her abuser. As he described his sister’s vigilance in trying to protect herself, I could see holes in her preparation that left her vulnerable to her assassin’s bullet. If in all her efforts, she had encountered someone experienced in DV who showed her the danger indicators and worked safety plans with her, perhaps she’d be alive today.

An abuser who has lost all hope and therefore inhibition is a dangerous opponent. But people who don’t know the warning signs are like abandoned sheep before a wolf.

What better time than DV Awareness Month to gather some information and be a resource for someone who needs it?

Please get informed. More information is available on the DOVE Project page here on my website. Also the links below lead to sources of information and services available.